I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
