I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
