Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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