I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
