how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
