the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i already hear my dad disowning me
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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