Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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