I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
