...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
