I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
