I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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