so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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