What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Randomize
