just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
