I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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