he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
this boner is exhausting
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
