You're so nebulous sometimes
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
