Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
