my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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