Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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