dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
