i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
