So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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