you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
