my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
