Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
