I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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