She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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