why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
