All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
