So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
