My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
