just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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