I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Randomize
