You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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