I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
