Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
