Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
