her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
