I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
