Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
My bed smells like the plague
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
