Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
