but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
