If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
