I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
