Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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