seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
