I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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