you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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