getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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