do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
